I posted something like this maybe a yr ago as a joke & I think I still have "professional draft dodger" on my Spacehey acc but with every1 talking about war & drafting I'm actually concerned. I do not have any mental illness or medical conditions or anything that would exclude me from a draft. They don't even exclude gays anymore so I couldn't even say that if I wanted to. It's not even clear if fat people get drafted or not bruh
I am not a mfer that's built for war brotha. I talked for yrs about joining the military bcus I kept getting military tiktoks of soldiers jumping out of planes & having fun but my Dad talked me out of it saying that they'd let me die. Unfortunately 14yr old me was incredibly influenced by those patriotic tiktok edits with loud metal music where they'd idealize the concept of losing limbs for the United States & they were edited in such a cool way that it made me want to do it to. But I'm smarter now bro I am not dying for this gay ass country. God help us

As if my month from hell could not get worse I basically died yesterday
I have recently been drinking coffee which is entirely new in my life. Definitely not something I'm used to doing at all. So yesterday at like midnight my sister got doordash for us & then went to bed afterwards. I had already slept during the day (long story short I have a bad sleep schedule rn) So I was up all night & at about 3am I decided to make some coffee. I usually don't make it too strong but my Dad got this coffee from the Mexican corner store that is SO good so I overdid it a bit. I drank that pot over the course of an hour or two & started coding my Neocities for a couple hours while buzzed.
My Dad woke up at like 7am & made another pot & I had about half a cup of it when I went outside to hang out with him. I was drinking it socially so I just kept going back inside to fill my cup halfway. My Dad asked if I could make ANOTHER pot since I took from his & I'm like ya whatever. So I make another pot & I seriously don't think my Dad drank any of it. I just kept going back to it.
At 9am I was already like 4 cups deep (keep in mind I have zero caffeine tolerance I have never even drank soda in my life) but I started to feel tired so I'm like ok 1 more cup. I dawg 1 last hefty cup & do the NYTimes crossword while buzzed on this caffeine.
Out of NOWHERE I was playing RDO & watching YouTube & realized I couldn't anymore. I just started feeling nauseous & wrong like I was about to start seizing. My first thought is oh this is what a panic attack feels like so I'm Googling frantically how to make it stop. I couldn't feel my hands & my heart was beating so fast I was staring at myself in the mirror trying to see if it was visibly pounding against my skin. Apparently excess caffeine can cause looming dread so I was getting the signals to my brain that I was going to die. I take a shower & for a moment I feel normalish so I go into the backyard & clean the pool to take my mind off of it. I stuck my hand against one of the jets & for a second I forgot where I was & I was thrown into a memory of me at the pool at my DEAD GRANDFATHER'S CONDO (apparently caffeine overdose can cause hallucinations) It was just a flash of a second & I was so confused of where I was afterwards & afraid I was gonna embarrass myself in front of my Dad & his girlfriend who was also outside so I went back in & turned on NHL network thinking I could just hyperfocus on something & take my mind off of it (SPOILER: DIDN'T WORK)
For reference I've done the math & I drank at least a gram of coffee possibly more. As little as 3g can be lethal & also not really a line you want to get close to
So without any other idea of what to do I call my Aunt. She's like dawg ur fine you're gonna live. My sister has had a history of drinking excess caffeine (one time she had a seizure in bed cus of Monster Energy) & when she came from work she's like brotha u are freaking urself out over nothing. But nothing helped bro I was convinced I was going to have a seizure bcus I had zero control over my body bro. For hours I was tremoring on the phone with my Aunt telling her how sure I was that I was going to die. She tells me I should try to make myself throw up & call her back
No offense but I have no idea how people have eating disorders bcus sticking my fingers down my throat & forcing myself to puke was the most traumatizing part of all of this. However I could not puke only dry heave & gutturally gag over a trash bag. It was probably bcus It had been 12+ hours since I had eaten doordash at midnight. My sister has an extreme fear of vomit so the poor fuck sat outside for hours afraid I was going to puke. So I call my Aunt back & make an ass of myself thinking I was going to die. When I tell you my body felt like it was shutting down bro. It was on this phone call that I finally felt like I was on decline of it but it kept spiking. My Aunt was telling me about how my baby cousin wrote a story about me where I had a vampire girlfriend & obviously that was incredible. I think the thought of a vampire girlfriend pulled me out of it tbh
I finally fell asleep at 4:30pm & woke up every couple hours until now. My hearts still beating & I have no appetite but I'm alive I guess THE END

I went to do this first part of my GED & I am so glad it is over bro. My day was already off when I tripped down the stairs on the way out the door. When I went in they gave me a whole stack of paperwork + resources for the test but before I went in they had to do a whole check on me. The guy was kinda making fun of me bcus he was like okay put all your stuff down (meaning the paperwork obviously) but I thought he meant stuff like my phone which we ust got down locking our valuables in one of the lockers. So I'm like I don't got anything.. & he's like buddy I mean the stuff in ya hands.. Then I had to pat myself down to prove I had no cheating apparatus or something. These people were treating me like the unabomber. I had to flip all my pockets inside out & I had cargo pants on so there I was unhooking & un-velcroing every single flap & pocket. We were there for so long.
Then I finally got to go in to do the test which was pretty easy. I had to write like 3 different essays including an essay on axolotls. They made it sound like they r total sticklers for rules like if u break any rule in the test room ur out & u have to redo it meanwhile the kid next to me kept turning to cough in my direction & look at my screen & spin circles in the computer chair. They also gave us the choice of ear plugs & I didn't take it but most people did & it made it so they couldn't hear how loud they were being. One kid kept mouthbreathing & letting out these nasssstyyy ass burps bro
Halfway thru the test I got a 10 minute break that I didn't want to take so I tried to get thru. On my way in the classroom they told me instructions for what to do during the break but I could not remember for the life of me. It didn't help that it displayed this UGLY ass photo of me thatt hey had to take on the way in. So I sat there staring back at myself, 2 idiots without a clue of what to do. The guy who made fun of me came to help tho & was like brother I told you to raise ur hand when u were ready to resume. I was like ya I forgot. So he threw me back in & I completed my test & I passed with a 162 I think

School starts on the 5th. My stupid ass has a better chance in winning the lottery before I pass high school so I'm farting thru a GED course to graduate by May. After I get my diploma, I'm not sure what I'm doing. God knows I'm not sitting in a classroom ever again so maybe I'll end up in trade school. I've had my mind set on plumbing for years now cus lord knows I can efficentially unclog a toilet. I don't gag easily either. I really can just picture myself in 3ft of straight shit in someones flooded basement. It's not ideal but it probably pays well. I've considered being a 9-11 operator because I may be a moron but I can answer a phone. I don't do well in high intensity situations though. It's not like I panic or anything I just don't think very fast. Except the other day I was heating up some gringo-licious tacos with some arroz rojo and my dumbass set the microwave on fire. Turns out you can't microwave tinfoil. I saw the thing spark and there was this blue flame and now the microwave is black on the inside. Would you believe I still ate the tacos? There's probably some radiation powered cancer ulser brewing in the deep depths of my stomach by now. So maybe I do think fast since I didn't blow the house up. My microwave is probably entitled to some substantial compensation however.
I've considered being a fireman (too fat), a locksmith (too difficult), a dentist (just for the nitrous) and everything else I thought of is too unrealistic. I spent years wanting to be a basketball player just to grow up and be 5'8. That's some real crushed dreams not gonna lie.

I'M AN ADULLLLLLLLLTTTTTTTTTT WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Offically at least. You know how I said in my last post that I hoped my Mom got me some weed for my birthday? Last night at around midnight when it was offical my birthday my Mom gave me this hugeeeee fat fuckin nug. It straight up looked like a beehive. I smoked last night and ate some many cheddar pringles I started seeing orange. Then I fell asleep to Mrbeast's new video. Love that guy.
Anyways, for my birthday I got a coupleeeeeeeee special things. I got a new collared shirt, just grey nothing special. A PS giftcard (which I've already spent half of.. I'm a suckkkekrrr for those 70% off sales) a spider-man funko and wallet thing, a body pillow, an expensive towel (which sounds lame but its a rlly nice towel) a collectible Spider-man figure from 2009 (it's sick too) and a 20X40 framed poster of Spider-Man. That was the big gift. It's this grafitti Spider-Man but it's not lame like u might think it's reeallly cool. I'm kinda scared it'll fall on me in my sleep bcus it's right above my head. It might turn me into flat Stanley but at least it looks cool.
I'm also getting PSVR on Wedenesday, which is definitely the most expensive thing but I like the other little things better. Especially the collectible Spider-Man. So yea it's been a pretty good bday. It feels pretty normal to be 18 and tbh I still don't feel 17. Now I can get charged as an adult if I keep shoplifting. But now I can buy my own scratch tickets. Pretty hype.
Also my bitchass 90 year old cat pissed on my fuckin sneakers. It pissed me off and ruined my morning a little but the gifts made up for it. I hope he dies soon so I can get a bearded dragon.
That's all. Happy birthday to me & Jack Black.

My birthday is tomorrow and I'll officially be an adult. Pretty crazy lowkey. My Mom gave me an early gift after much negotiation and it was a Spider-Man poster. It was huge and siiiicccck and I hung it on my door. There's so many posters on my wall I don't even have any room for more. I'll probably have to put them on the ceiling and stuff. One walls got my massive 6ft long Mc Lovin flag and the others pretty empty but it's got my whiteboard on it. The big wall has all my posters and signs, it's got about 20 things on it. Maybe I'll attached an image.
Pretttyy hyped cus I'm gonna be able to vote n shit. Probably won't still. Just remembered taxes Idfk how that shi works but I might have to pay those (Still wont) and maybe I can get my Mary Jannnnnnneeeeeeeee card. I'll start practicing what bullshit I'll say to the doctor. Yeaaah my back hurts I need some of that dole whip ground flower LOL. I hope I get some weed for my birthday. I need a new bowl too. I'll write more tomorrow about what I got.